they said they heard you say put it in my butt
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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