Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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