we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
