I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
