I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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