god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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