there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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