I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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