I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
