She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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