I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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