I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
