I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
