im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
