I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
