my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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