also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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