"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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