You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
