sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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