Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
