I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
