Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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