...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
