I just threw up on my dentist
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
