The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
