I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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