I didn't shave. On purpose
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
