i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
