What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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