i wish starbucks made bloody marys
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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