Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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