somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there's paper in my vomit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
