I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
