2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
