someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My life is pants optional.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
