I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
