listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
