i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He better not be in your backpack
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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