my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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