listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He felt like a one man threesome
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm really busy with my period
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