ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
