I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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