So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
