what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
