My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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