I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
