I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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