That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
