I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
