There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
