Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she told me i tasted like america
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
