Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
