billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
