apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
