Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
