I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
