You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
