I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Houston, we have a blender
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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