Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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