Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
