do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
